Parents are Peacemakers (4 of 7)

This post shows us that the second need in the home is healing. What I love about this section is the working out of a bad habit (temper) in the example!  It’s so helpful to read the steps and thought process the mother goes through to change the bad habit. How to replace a bad habit with a  good habit is one of the questions I get the most. I hope you find it clarifying.

Teaching from peace,

Nancy

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III. THE SECOND NEED: HEALING.

 

Synopsis:

(1) Leaders and healers.

(2) First Aid (Discussion).

(3) Carelessness.

(4) Other things need healing:

(a) bad tricks (Discussion).

(b) bad ways (Discussion). (Mary’s tempers).

(c) bad actions: punishment (Discussion).

(5) Healing of sorrow.

(6)  It all takes trouble.

 

1. Firm, wise leadership is the first need of nations, families and individuals. Thinking of children, their Fathers are their real leaders. The head of the family must be the man but it is the woman who makes the lead possible to follow in daily life, who gets it put into practice, decides upon details. “Daddy, may I go?” “Have you asked your Mother? Go and ask her.” If Father backs up Mother, and if Mother supports Father’s decision, there is undivided rule and the children know it.

Let us think about the second great need of human nature: Healing. However blessed in wise leading a family may be, disasters come. The larger the family the more frequent are these upsets. It may be an accident—sickness, a rash, a fever; something is broken, something is torn or soiled. The children run to their Mother with a cut finger, or a broken toy, or with “Mother, I do feel so sick.”

 

2. What a health-minded age we live in. How lucky many of us are in our nurses, doctors, hospitals, welfare centres, oculists, dentists, ambulances. Our part at home is to be clear-minded about first aid and sensible home remedies, what to do till the doctor comes—when to send for him—to be clear-minded too about the symptoms of a temperature, an infection, a break or a sprain. Who knows the treatment for shock?

 

Discussion of accidents, mishaps and remedies. Safety on the roads.

 

3. People are very needy when they are ill, or hurt, or shaken. Their need must be met with skilled pity and loving care. There can be no peace in a home where suffering is neglected, where carelessness brings on serious illness, there can only be blame and anger and bitter remorse. “If only I had done that he would never have lost that finger,”—“never have become deaf.” “You should have kept her in bed with that fever—been firm, that’s what started pneumonia.” Sad, sad words, “too late.”

 

4. Accidents and illnesses are setbacks in life which hinder growth. We see this easily in children. There are other sorts of infection and mishap which are not so obvious and which equally hinder life and growth. They too need pity, care and a clear mind.

(a) Tricks. Children get into bad ways. They have “tricks,” they pick things up, get ideas into their heads, go through phases. Every family knows how tiresome it is when Betty copies her best friend at school, when Tom brings home silly language or a cheeky manner, when someone makes faces or grins “like So-and-So.” These things are annoying; they are not serious but they are irritating, cause friction and misunderstanding. Sometimes it is enough to say “Don’t copy So-and-So,” or “Why are you making such a face?” or “Come off it, Tom.” Sometimes small punishments are necessary. Children go from trick to trick; when one is forgotten another appears. They are perhaps like colds in the head, not more serious, just as tiresome, as catching and as hard to throw off.

 

Discussion and instances.

 

(b) Bad ways. If tricks are like colds, bad ways are like dangerous illnesses. The child who sulks, who tells lies, who bullies the younger ones, is in a bad way. What about Mary’s temper? It takes very little to rouse her and when her temper is up she does not know what she is doing. She will grow out of it? No. The tempers will grow in her, stronger and more strong. She must be healed, nursed out of this bad way. It is not her body which is in danger through illness, but her character.

There is a home remedy for bad ways, for tempers, lying, moods, bullying—all these are habits, bad habits. Good habits are useful, they save much time and trouble and make for happy peaceful living. The remedy for a bad habit is to start a new, different one which will be strong enough to wipe out the old. To form good habits in their children is a true way of healing in which many parents have great skill and patience.

Example. Any example can be taken of any bad habit in action, the following is only a suggested way of explanation.

Mary is in a temper. It was her birthday yesterday, she was nine. Today the new doll is lying in a puddle, she is sure that Tom dropped it there on purpose. No use to reason with her, she is deaf and blind with fury. Tom is out; what will happen when he comes in? Did he do it? It is very unlikely. Possibly the puppy did it but Mary always thinks Tom (two years younger) is to blame. Today she is certain of it, she would like to kill Tom. Mary’s Mother sees that something must be done to cool Mary down. She sends her on a message to Mrs. P. and when she comes back, she helps to make the pastry. Mary likes doing this, her temper calms and disappears. Yes, but another time things may not go so easily. What is to be done? Avoid clashes? Punish Mary?

Mary’s Mother tries another way. The child has an idea in her head that all the family (especially Tom) have a grudge against her—they find fault, are hard on her, do not understand. She is jealous of Tom, he gets more attention than she does. Why should he? It isn’t fair. This idea lights up Mary’s temper when anything goes wrong: “They meant to do it, it wasn’t an accident. I hate them. It’s Tom’s fault.” Mary’s Mother read somewhere last week that if you want to break a bad habit and begin a good one, the first thing to do is to find out what idea is working behind the scenes and to turn it out. Put in its place a new idea, a strong and attractive one. She chooses her time and talks to Mary, tells her how sad she is when the tempers arise. How did it happen yesterday? What made her think that Tom had done it? It was foolish to be jealous of Tom. Tom is Tom and Mary is Mary. Mother must have the real Mary to love and help her, she needs her, and when the tempers come there is no Mary, only a cruel stranger. Is she sorry? Will she try to conquer her tempers? Yes? Mother will help, they will do it together. What does Mary feel like when her temper begins to burn up? Directly she feels that

dark, hot, quietness, she must think of something quickly, must remember that Mother needs her, that there may be something special to do for her, something nice. If Mother is in, come to ask; if she is out, do what Mary thinks best—get some flowers, perhaps, or take the puppy for a run. Never let that first feeling get into an anger. Think so hard about looking for flowers or about the puppy’s tail that anger can’t light up out of the nasty feeling. Turn right away from it. Does Mary understand? Will she try? Good, that’s a brave girl.

Things seem to go well for a time, once or twice there have been dangerous moments but Mother has been quick to find something for Mary to do and Mary has understood and responded. Then Tom borrows the doll’s pram and uses it to cart stones by the stream. Mary is furious—yes, but the new idea is at work. Instead of being deaf to all reason in her anger, she listens to her Mother when she says, “Well, Mary, you must have it out with Tom, he was quite wrong to use the pram without asking, but be just, wait till you can be just. Don’t say anything while you are so hot, you will find he listens better.” With help, failing sometimes but succeeding often, Mary learns to control that temper by controlling her thoughts.

 

Discussion on habit-forming with instances and examples.

 

Remember that in forming a habit there must be a new attractive idea to think about, then an action repeated again and again until the new habit is formed.

(c) Bad actions. Every accident or illness of character cannot be healed by forming good habits alone. There is a place for punishment. Some actions must be punished, just as some diseased places need a surgeon’s knife. Acts of cruelty, of mischief, of dishonesty, need an act of justice, a penalty. Here Father should step in. “I didn’t mean to do it,” the children say. “So-and-So made me do it.” Well, the punishment must come all the same, an apology too where one is due, and afterwards, forgiveness. Forgiveness—we each of us need it so constantly. There is no healing of mind without being sorry and being forgiven, and being determined never to do that thing again.

 

Discussion on just punishment.

 

5. There is another healing that we all need from time to time—not of a broken skin but of a broken heart. As life goes on bereavement must be faced again and again. It is all so new to children. The death of a pet bird or dog is a heart-breaking thing, so final, so unbelievable. Older people sometimes belittle children’s sorrows, forgetting that they are sharp and full of anguish. Children need the healing of sympathy and of hope just as do their elders.

Tricks need correction.

Bad habits need training into good ones.

Wrong actions need punishment.

Sorrow needs comfort.

 

6. It all takes loving care and trouble. The easy way is to leave it all and hope for the best. But the best does not come by easy ways. You cannot heal a sprained ankle by kisses and you cannot cure a bad temper by avoiding clashes. No—face it up. Bring the boys and girls into the peace of good ways, of self-control, even temper, cheerful minds and healthy bodies.

 

Parents Are Peacemakers (1 of 7)

Parents Are Peacemakers (2 of 7)

Parents Are Peacemakers (3 of 7)

Parents Are Peacemakers (4 of 7)

Typed by the Charlotte Mason Poetry transcription team.